The Supernatural Suethor of FF dot Net
by Your Worshipfulness
Summary: I posted this on GAFF forever ago and stumbled across it in my archive. A funny little xover about what all those uber powerful guys would do if they could get their hands on the Suethor. OneShot.


Legolas, Harry Potter, Angel(us), Neo, and Inuyasha make their way cautiously through the enormous glittering-pink castle that (insert prognosticator here: Galadrial/ Trewlaney/ Cordelia/ The Oracle/ etc.) said contained the source of all Sue-ness, the Suethor. It wasn't hard to determine where this fearsome beast laired. For one thing, beautiful harp music was cascading from a giant door carved with cherubs while clouds of glory rolled out from beneath the door frame.

"Okay, cast the door-opening spell, magic-kid," Angel instructed.

"Stop calling me that."

"There is no door," Neo said, in a tone of sudden understanding. Yes, Epiphany had a tone, and Neo was humming it under his breath. He whistled paradigm shifts and snorted perception! In fact-

"Excuse me," Legolas said politely. "Could you please stop thinking?"

"There is no thought."

"For the thousandth time, shut UP!" Inuyasha finally exploded. "There is no road! There is no castle! There is no floor!" he mocked. "You know what, maybe there is no you!"

Silence reigned, but for the sound of trilling harps. After a moment of thought, Neo popped out of existence.

"Alohomora," Harry said.

No one was prepared for what lay before them. The place looked like the cutting room floor when God finished creating the earth. Bits of creatures lay everywhere! Wings attached to frog's legs waved feebly. A kitten with the lower body of a fish dragged itself towards Angel.

"Please," it whispered. "Kill me… please. The only… escape."

Inuyasha stepped on its head and the music abruptly stopped. "Oh," said an angelic voice. I see you've met my little friend, Diamond. She was a merkitten!"

The woman who stepped towards them was stunningly beautiful. Her head was crowned with blonde hair, streaked with blue and silver. Her eyes changed color every three point nine four seconds. Delicate horns protruded from her forehead and magic quivered at her fingertips.

"Oh… God!" Angel said. "It's hideous!"

As one, they all assumed a fighting stance. Angel vamped out and jumped at the indescribably gorgeous maiden. Valiantly he fought her sex appeal and managed to strike at her face. That was when they discovered she knew every form of martial arts known to man. In fact, she also knew a few known to aliens, elves, robots, and Grammaton Clerics. Legolas began to fire arrows rapidly, but she merely caught and broke them… usually with her pearly white teeth. Harry Potter cast spell after spell, but even Avada Kedavera bounced off her everything-proof shield. Inuyasha called on every fighting position and demon-power he possessed, but he could not make a dent in her defenses. Furthermore, as their physical stamina wavered, so too did their will to resist her charms.

All seemed lost.

Suddenly the Suethor imploded inward, then blew outward, scattering bits left and right. In her place stood Neo, who was still humming annoyingly under his breath. "There is no Suethor," he said blithely.

A small part-dog, part-bird, part-electric eel began to yap at a nearby curtain. Luckily, Harry had seen this movie before. He rushed over and pulled the curtain aside to reveal… a slightly overweight adolescent girl. Her braces gleamed as she smiled nervously at them. Inuyasha's eyes were drawn to an unfortunate pimple between her brows.

"This is the Suethor?" Angel asked, incredulously. "This is the all-powerful force invading out minds and forcing us to impregnate other men? THIS?!"

"Yesth," the girl said proudly as she tried to talk around the braces.

"Evil comes in many more innocent forms," Legolas stated.

"I just don't think I can destroy someone so…"

Inuyasha's sword was rather suddenly protruding from the girl's shoulder blades. "You people can do what you like, but I'm not producing any more children out of my-"

"Stop right there. This is a PG fanfiction," Legolas said firmly.

"You're right," Angel said, stepping away from the corpse. We should get back; there's no place like home." One by one they faded into their separate universes and they all lived canonically and heterosexually ever after.


End file.
